..anyone got any suggestion as to how to get hold of 15 000 kroners by tuesday?

Stefan took some pin-up pictures of me. They turned out really nice. And I confirmed my suspicion that I might one day have the guts to do something like this. Feeling confident and happy, and also very butterfly-in-the-stomach-ish.

I feel happy these days. So much good things are happening.

It was snowing today. I handed in my assignment in time. I'm going to the Monster's Ball Masquerade. I met someone nice. I could afford a pack of cigarettes today. All these things make me very happy. And school's good, too.

Prepare, ye scallywags! Tomorrow be the day when hell breaks loose. Shiver me timbers, mates, and bring out the rum!

I'm not undesirable, I just meet a lot of assholes.

Life is chaotic these days - chaotic, but in a good way. I'm always busy, which means I don't have the time to think of my heart ache or worry about the future. I just simply live in the Now.

School is good, got great classmates and the subjects are interesting. Except for math, which I suck at. We're having our first school visit this friday.
In one week I am going to Manchester and I can't wait. It'll be nice to have a change of scenery for a little while.

Caven has also re-opened. I love it there. Will try to take pictures at some point, if my sister will lend me her camera. I'm sure she will if I get my own batteries and promise not to get disorderly drunk.

Going to Manchester, England, on the 10th of september.

I am going to meet the guy earlier mentioned as the Scottish fairytale.

He is taking me to se the Stray Cats, a band I love.

Also, I am going to a Pirate party on the 19th of september. Looking forward to both events.



Happy!!

Got accepted at HiO, to be a teacher. It's okay, I guess. We'll see.

My old dog with the scarred face ran away.

I guess I have no luck in love. But the problem is, I don't have any luck in gambling, either.

I found myself an old dog with a face full of scars and I took him in and now we are happy.

Steady as she goes now.

Life is alright these days, got my ups and downs but luckily I've got great friends and there are always people around who wants to talk to me and make me feel good.
I'm still in university, but the subjects are killing me and I figured I'm not much of a smart person, all these theoretical people around here make me sick. Feeling very tempted to quit school completely and start working at Elm Street, get a dog and live like I want to. But I am sure I would regret that in later years. So, I'll apply for something else next year and hopefully I will be accepted at something I actually want to do.

Other than that I am single again, no big surprise, eh? Figure I can't have a boyfriend, it's the same shit over and over again and I never learn. Until now, that is. I've found out I've got commitment issues or summat, every time I find myself in a relationship I feel trapped and claustrophobic, it feels like I am no longer a person, just an accessory. I might actually have been nothing but an accessory, found out recently that three of my former boyfriends only dated me because they thought I was hot. They probably know who they are and I hope they feel really bad about it, and I also feel sorry for them being so superficial.

My rats are doing fine, running around my room and stealing my food, hiding it in very unlikely places. They've grown so big now, I like them more and more every day. My family is doing well, my economy is still down with fever but mending slowly.

Plans for the future include getting a new tattoo, going to Scotland with Mari (yay, only two weeks left now), save money for the Hove festival and hang out as much as possible with my friends, old and new ones. Maybe I'll get a hair cut too.

One of my contacts in here posted a link to the movie 'Earthlings' the other day. I did manage to watch the entire movie, and I cried quite a lot. Still, it did not convert me into a vegetarian. One reason for that might be that I happen to know that for example cattle in Norway does not live under nearly as bad conditions as the American cattle (then again, I've always thought Americans to be a cruel race). Apparently, the Americans have no law of summer grazing out in the wild or animal health care. But anyway, the film naturally got me thinking, and seeing as I've been bombarded with movies such as 'Earthlings' lately, I thought I'd post a reply, or rather the line of thought that was a direct result of watching this movie. Which brings me to the second and most important reason for me not being a vegetarian by now.

Most people are specieists (I learned this new word from watching 'Earthlings'). We seem to think that humans are the inferior race and that we are above all of the other life forms on our planet.
Now, if I've got this correct, vegans and vegetarians are not specieists. They (like me) think all species are alike, none more worth or heavier on the scale than the other (although, pardon me for diverting, were you to be true to that thought, if an ant and a kitten had done nothing different, they were both equally innocent, and one of them had to be killed, it would seem that from the vegan ethical point of view it would not matter which one of them were killed). A tiny diversion there - my question is - if all creatures are equal and we are all earthlings, why then not allow yourself to indulge in those natural instincts that you most definitively share with all the other animals?

Let me specify. I am of the opinion that most humans are scum (that viewpoint most certainly grew stronger after watching 'Earthlings'). Why should we have the right to treat other earthlings like items instead of individuals? The Christian (and other religions) answer to that is that God put man above the animals, in the Beginning (Adam and Eve, you know). It is contrary to my belief to disagree. A simple question; who did God create first, man or beast? Honestly, in both the religious and evolutionary teachings they were her first.
And now comes my dilemma. I am also of the opinion that humans are animals, in the direct sense of the word. We are all earthlings, equal and just as much worth. This is why humans are animals and the other way around:
There are so many similarities between humans and animals. Of course, we all know about chimps, being very similar indeed. But there are other similarities as well, in other groups of animal species. I will now refer to some of the points from the movie 'Earthlings'.

Most animals are meat eaters. Some would disagree with this, but hear me out, it will all be explained. Humans are born meat eaters as well - is is quite apparent when you observe our teeth. Now to the point of most animals being meat eaters. Predators naturally eat meat. Chimps will kill other monkeys and eat them (if you don't believe me, you haven't watched enough nature documentaries). Either they are predators or scavengers, gnawing on bones and nutrients left on the cadaver, most animals eat meat. There are even deers on a small island outside of America that are known to on a regular basis goes about picking up newly hatched birds from sea birds' nests, chewing them to death and then proceeds to gnaw on the bones in order to get minerals.
Man, like a lot of other animals, seem to find some sort of liking in tormenting their victim before killing and/or eating them. I refer here to the classical example of a cat and a mouse.
Both humans and animals alike also participate in senseless killing, not for food but for other reasons. Like humans will kill each other in wars over land or property, snakes will kill other snakes in order to avoid competition. I see no difference in this. Chimps (again, we return to the chimp, possibly the most similar specie to humans) will kill offspring that is not theirs, to prevent other male's genes from spreading. Bears and wolves have been known to kill an entire pack of deers without eating a single one. Why? For the shear pleasure of it.
Humans keep pets. Yes, we do. But we are not the only specie doing this. Did you know that the previously mentioned ant will often kidnap larvae or other bugs and keep them as pets, so as to benefit from the bodily fluids they secrete? The ant will feed, groom and care for the bugs and in return get their sweet juices. This is what we call a symbiosis. Although, the things going on in 'Earthlings' can hardly be called a symbiosis.

The bottom line is; humans are animals. We are no different from the other creatures we share this world with. From this sentence grows then two points: 1. Why deny our nature? That nature, that has been our instincts and rules of living for so many thousands of years! Why should we raise ourselves above animals, why distance us so from them by not eating meat, a thing that is such a vital part of this eco system and our instincts? You surely would not walk over to a lion and try to reason him into eating grass?
And 2. Why have we taken our instincts out of proportions? Why should we be allowed to torment or even kill pleasurely our fellow earthlings, although they take part in such events themselves. But why do we do it on such a larger scale? Why overdo it? Have we no decency? It would appear we have none.

I am getting nearer to the end of my little essay here. I am not trying to offend anyone, I know there are at least to vegans reading this. This is merely a line of thought that occurred to me one night. Remember; this is a line of thought. I would like to point that out as a lot of people seem to think that these little essays of mine are my personal opinions, as opposed to a line of philosophical and emotional thought. This entry is very close to my opinions, though. But the bottom line is I am merely trying to get people to think. And I would love to get some replies, your thoughts on the topic. It is, after all, rather an important one.

Finally, here is the link to the movie 'Earthlings'. A warning: these images are not for the faint hearted, and the movie will make you cry and probably hate yourself for being 'human'. Thought I'd post it at the end of the entry, wouldn't want the film to colour the readers' interpretation of this text. So watch it now, now that you are done reading. I have said mine.

http://veg-tv.info/Earthlings

Am I losing you? Or do you just need some time?

You're horribly difficult to figure out, you know. I never know how to deal with you and I feel like I'm giving in too much, spoiling you with my weakness for you. If I start demanding a bit more, will you go away? And if I keep giving in, will you find me boring and weak and go away anyway?

I got really mad at myself today. Or, I started getting mad at me a couple of days ago and it has been building up since then. I have financial difficulties, as usual, but this time it actually feels like it's all my fault and it's eating me up. I usually don't get mad at myself, I just get sad and depressed instead. I felt like smashing things up, so instead of destroying the apartment I started running, although I really hate running. I ran for about two hours and did some kick boxing on the way. I didn't hit anything, although what I really felt like doing was smash my hand to blood and broken bones on some random street light. Now I am really tired and although I let out some steam there is still plenty of emotion there, although it is crossing over from anger to disappointment. And that's even worse, I guess.
So now I am sitting here pondering on what to do to raise money. I don't even have enough money to buy my sweetheart a birthday present. Fuck my silly head and non-existing sense of economy.

The only positive thing is that I appear to be in quite good shape despite smoking like an old sailor and choosing the elevator even though it's only two floors.

yesterday I finished my last exam, and I think it went rather well. This means I have started my christmas holiday and don't have to worry about school until mid january. Then I went home to my mom and dad. My mom wasn't home, and seeing as she's been really tired lately with my grandma being ill and everything, my dad and I decided to wash the roof and walls in the living room. We listened to old records like Bee Gees and Bonnie Tyler and had a really nice time washing. My dad is the best <3 And mom was really happy when she got home.

Today I have been playing World of Warcraft all day, which was really nice - I rarely get to play and it is so nice escaping this boring, tiresome world from time to time and become a totally different character. I am going to work later today, but I am looking forward to it, because it will probably be a whole lot to do because people go mental when shopping for christmas.
Later this week I will borrow my sister's fantastic hat and go ice skating at Spikersuppa in Oslo. I will ask her if she wants to come along and we can take pictures and drink hot cocoa and have a pleasant time.

On a different note, I applied for NISS (Nordic School for Scene and summat) some time ago. I want to learn how to do special effects, like doing make up on the orcs in LOTR and stuff like that. Well, I have been called in for an interview on friday, and I was told to bring my portfolio. Hope I get accepted.

She marched to her wardrobe and threw away the colour, because wearing black looks mysterious, but it didn't impress her mother.
She wanted to dress her baby in patterns and flowers, but Mariella just crossed her arms and so she cried for hours.
Mariella.
Mariella.
My pretty, baby girl
Unglue your lips from being together and, wear some pink and pearls.
You can have your friends 'round and they can stay for tea.
Won't you just try to fit in please, do this for me.
But Mariella just crossed her arms and walked up the stairs and she went into her bedroom, and she sat on her bed.
And she looked in the mirror and she thought to herself If I wanna play, I can play with me, If I wanna think, I'll think in my head.

At school, Mariella didn't have many friends, yeah, the girls, looked at her and thought she was quite strange.
Boys, they're not really into girls at that age.
And the teachers, they thought Mariella was just going through a phase.
But Mariella just smiled as she skipped down the road because she knew all the secrets in her world.
yeah, she always got the crossword puzzle right every day and she could do the alphabet backwards, without making any mistakes.
Mariella.
Mariella.
Pretty, pretty girl.
Mariella.
Mariella.
Happy in her own little world
Happy in her own little world
And she says I'm never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever, yeah, I'm never ever ever ever ever ever ever, yeah, I'm never ever ever ever ever ever ever gonna unglue my lips from being together
She said I'm never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever, yeah, I'm never ever ever ever ever ever ever, yeah, I'm never ever ever ever ever ever ever evereverevereverevereverevereverever gunna unglue my lips from being together

Riding on a wave of euphoria, drinking the wine of happiness, swallowing down pill after pill of joy. Something suddenly came over me - it might have to do with the Heineken I just drank, or the unbelievably handsome Christopher Schau I just saw on tv, or just the fantastic music of ZZ Top rumbling in my ears. The world is ahead of me, it stands willingly for my taking at my feet. Everything is possible and I intend to enjoy this sudden rush of hormones for as long as I can. Make adventurous plans for the future. Go out tomorrow, looking stunning and feeling great. Grab the most out of the world - I now know what I need to do to end these damned depressions of mine too.

The tiny voice of optimism that has been dwelling in the back of my mind all the time, but never quite made it through the wall of depressive thoughts is now screaming it's lounges out with hope and sureness of a great future.

I might be terribly disappointed tomorrow, but so be it - right now it feels unbelievably great to be me.

You rock my world.

>

I got a new tattoo today. It hasn't got colour yet, because we sat for three hours with just the outline. We'll colour it some other time and then I'll post pictures :) Almost my entire left calf is covered now. Yay!

I treasure your friendship more than you know. You mean the world to me and more. I am sorry I disappoint you and let you down. I am sorry for being such a poor example of a friend when you are one of the best.

Please don't give up on me.